bus

So Much Ado about Spilled Acid!

 

Okay, I never believed I would write about this until now. Writing (boring-fiction) non-fiction has never appealed to me. (I would rather live in a world where my neighbour could actually walk through my three inches wide cement wall and borrow my magic mirror, so that she could contact her late grandmother in the underworld, just to ask for support on cooking the Nigerian Urhobo Oghwo Soup.) I am not saying writing non-fiction is (stale, mind-numbing, a total waste of time,) bad, trust me, I have read a lot of non-fiction that had either made me frown, laugh, or feel a little bit depressed.

Anyway, I had to write this at the cost of a burnt shoe!

It was the end of the academic session at the University of Benin; I had stayed one extra week after my exams and had had enough fun to take me through the ever-so-boring Christmas holidays. I left my hostel that morning with my twin brother, (Don’t even sweat it, we aren’t identical! It’s a heinous crime to even imagine Elvis and I are related.) My twinny and I had chosen to travel by The Muyi Line Transport Service, and of course, we got there late, as usual. It meant we were going to get home when the moon had driven the sun from the sky. I wasn’t perturbed; in fact, I loved the idea that we would get home at night, because at night, the nose-poking neighbours on our street must have all gone indoors. I hate the way they stared at my brother and I when we walk past, like we were some money spoilt bimbos or something. (Fuck them.)

I Paid for my bus ticket and it showed: 06, which meant I was supposed to sit next to Elvis at 07, I picked seat 04; (who the hell follows order in this country anymore?) it was the only seat not flanked by a sweaty old Benin woman. Elvis sat next to the ugliest old woman I had ever seen, I smiled; he was in for a ride! The seat next to mine was empty; I closed my eyes and prayed, dear lord, let this seat belong to someone (who has the largest boobs, sexy eyes, hot legs, blazing figure eight, nice smell, not too fat or big, etc.) other than an old man or woman. Amen. I opened my eyes, and saw him, the owner of the vacant seat. He was young but haggard, and looked like someone who hadn’t slept for days. I felt my prayers weren’t answered because he smelt of everything a Benin farmer smelt like! Yuck, I shifted closer to the window. He murmured a greeting and sat next to me.

The journey started, and I had successfully avoided making any conversation with him for about thirty minutes. Then, hell broke loose…

“Do you know I have the latest cheat for free browsing on etisalat, airtel and mtn? My guy, it works like magic, very fast and for PC and android, this is how…”

Holy mother of God! His breath smelt like something crawled up through his ass and died in his stomach. I swear I almost put my head out of the window.

“… Do you know how to tweak your imei and generate a new one?”

The bloody mother fucker guy was still talking! Now I wished I could exchange seat with Elvis.

“Argh! What kind of liquid is this?”

Someone shouted right behind me, the guy sitting next to me closed his dunghill mouth.

“Who has this leaking gallon?”

The bus went quite, and then my next seat neighbour opened his mouth (sweet marry, not again!!) and spoke.

“It’s mine, I’m transporting concentrated Acid.”

It took us another ten seconds to understand what he just said! Concentrated Acid was having a free flow right under our feet!

“You are transporting what?” A hefty guy behind asked.

“Acid na, don’t you know Acid?” (The grace of his nonchalance—first class!)

The first blow flew past my ears and landed on his head.

I turned around to see who had assaulted him.

What my eyes met, was a series of blows and knocks driving towards his head in arithmetic progression. This guy was receiving about twenty knocks and blows per second, 20kb/sec (I could bet on my d***, the average download rate for any of his free browsing tricks won’t even beat that!) For the first time since the journey started I felt pity for him. He definitely was an illiterate. I couldn’t plead for him (I really did want to avoid some of the knocks changing trajectory to my head.) I knew what Nigerians could do.

Well, the knocks and blow missiles continued for another three minutes and then they stopped.

It was only then I realized the sharp pain underneath my feet, I raised my shoe and found the hole, the acid had eaten through my shoes!

I looked back at him with a spangle of death in my eyes, I wished I had discovered this when the battering was going on….. I swear, this story would have read a little bit altered.

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Comments
  1. sheldonk2014 says:

    Great moments happen on public transportation. Because the public are so diversity. I can’t tell you of the crazies I seen, the words I seen coming out of people’s necks. Behaviors that would change the course of human development……………. crazy is as crazy saw

    Like

    • I am glad you read this post! Indeed the world is a crazy place.

      Like

    • sheldonk2014 says:

      As we all,mistakes are made, just as long as we don’t hold each other’s feet to the fire. I was reading your post about the acid. But at first time I thought it was fiction. Now I come to find out its a real problem where you live. People can’t realize about their environment till it’s rite at their back door. It’s a truth that gets swept under the rug. But in your case it’s under your feet. Petty powerful stuff just to be dumping in the streets

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I- read says:

    Illiteracy or will I say lack of common sense kiils more than the act, thank God nobody’s feet was chopped off, because am sure he wouldn’t have received only blows; a death warrant would have been issued. God help us

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This cracked me up really- can’t explain why. Another bullet from your loaded rifle. Let’s have more! Good work bro.

    Like

  4. This cracked me up really- can’t explain why. Another bullet from your loaded rifle; Let’s have more shots! Good work bro.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I thoroughly enjoyed this. Your words flow across the page and captivate. I look forward to reading your work. Kudos on your award!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. dbp49 says:

    I find myself reading more and more of your work also, so I must be developing a taste for it. You have a real talent, and your honesty is refreshing. Thanks very much.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Awele says:

    This is tooo awesome…..I laffed almost all through the whole story….buh then I realised acid was involved…so I had to keep a straight face….very nice work kel….

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Whao! What a tale, loved it.

    I don’t think the dunghill mouth guy mistake happen to Nigerian illiterates alone, I would think the way we perceive danger cut across board. This is evidenced with the way the guy was being assaulted first before removing the source of danger – we all need education.

    Enjoy your style, thanks for sharing. Hopefully we all learn a thing or two.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hanna says:

    Thanks for a very funny story and for making me laugh 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. avenuewrite says:

    Reblogged this on kanmaolise and commented:
    Hahaha u all must read this

    Like

  11. avenuewrite says:

    Even though this happened to you nd i should be concered and ask about ur foot, this is just too hilarious to keep a straight face.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. fegie says:

    wow had a good time and laugh reading this good job

    Liked by 1 person

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